Now

My heart has been longing to write for sometime.  I periodically jot down thoughts in emails to myself and I have wondered if I should just start journaling.  I have ignored the fact that I could start blogging again.  But here I am.  We meet again.

In this very moment, I am feeling helpless and overwhelmed.  I am surrounded by piles.  Piles of to-do lists and piles school papers and piles clothes to fold or wash.  Piles of un-matched socks and old things I need to sort through.  Piles of crafts I want to do.  I don't know where to begin and I struggle finding the time because my kids have to come first.  And even if they didn't, they are too needy to ignore.  The mundane of feeding and washing and wiping intermingles with the color coordination of matchbox cars and manipulating puzzles or Taylor Swift dance parties. 

I think daily about how I would love to have a daily phone-a-friend.  I used to talk to my mom daily, multiple times.  And over five years have passed since that ended and I am still haunted by the need to have someone to get me through life's moments.  A cheerleader.  A listening ear.  A person who would care about my random thoughts or my encounter at the store or my need to brainstorm a simple dinner plan.   I say a phone-a-friend because no one wants to talk to me that much.
So in my dream I have a dedicated friend for each Monday.  Then a different friend who talks to me on Tuesday.  This will continue through the week.  But then I realize that even those people, if they could ever exist, wouldn't want to talk to me then either.  People are wrapped up in their own life.
People don't want to get to know the real me, much less hear my musings on life.

 I just want throw up my hands...

And it is only then do I understand why people standing in a church will throw their hands up in praise.  They throw their hands up to accept and fully extend themselves to Jesus.  And I have to be left alone and desperate and overwhelmed to understand that in my desire to throw my hands up, I simply need to focus more on Jesus.