Failure No More

My husband was recounting an event that happened about ten years ago, and I have no memory of the event whatsoever.  He is in disbelief that something so memorable and detailed to him, could be insignificant to me.  Although, it sounds crazy to him, I am in complete understanding of how such things could happen.  I remember things because of how they make me feel.  I remember details that I am certain he never would.

He asked that I keep a diary for future reference. 
And then questioned why I no longer blog.  I think the older I have become, the more  pensive I have become.  The thoughts that surround me are far too deep for him to take in, and I feel like sharing with the world would be too personal, too open and too vulnerable.  Am I able to share events and accounts that also involve him and my children who are growing up into their own being? 

Things on the internet never die. 

But I have always loved writing.  Writing soothes my soul. 

My first story was printed in the paper in third grade.  I was elated that I was published at such a young age.  I have a laminated copy of the article in my adult version of treasure box.
 
I spent my childhood adoring a wide variety of literature and taking note of how words flow, receiving different meanings and make you understand things that may not otherwise make sense.  Words should never be careless and used hastily.  Writing is loving and intimate and overwhelming.  My love for the Baby Sitter's Club grew into love for romance novels, medical mysteries and then Pulitzer Prize Winners.  I have poems and stories I wrote in high school that all held the same thing.  The words shared the painful emotions of the world.  People you meet don't want those raw and real emotions.  They want happy and giggles and encouraging words.  But to me, that was never real. 

Since becoming a mother, my free time to read books has been pushed aside.  There are always demands and screams and love that needs to be tended to.  I struggle to find time for things I love, to include reading.  I usually get through a book in about a month,  or sometimes abandon them because I get the basic jest of what the book is sharing.  But this week, things changed for me.

 I was terrified, but a book I wanted to read was a SEVEN DAY LOAN new release.  I could not renew the book. I brought the book home, with hope that I would survive the week and not abandon the pages.  Most days, I fall to bed feeling like a failure, thinking I didn't clean enough or love enough or be present enough.  Then, not completing this book would only add to the sense of failure. 

The feeling of being a failure began to sneak in other aspects of my life.  I would go to bed feeling like a failure every night.  The list was always endless.  I didn't clean the kitchen in its entirety.  I didn't prep for the next morning to make things easier.  I didn't get caught up on laundry.  I left laundry in the washer and had to wash them again.  I didn't exercise.  I snapped at my babies.  I am certain you have been there. 
I would throw myself into a heap in the bed every night wondering how I had been able to live one more day with so many shortcomings.  I beat myself up.

And one day, I decided enough was enough.

This season for Lent, I decided that I needed to give up feeling like a failure.  I would whole heartedly give my life and each day to God and stop letting Satan steal my joy.  I have clothes to wear.  My family has clean clothes, and dirty clothes, but clothes..  I have food to feed them.  I can be more patient with myself, and then extend that to my children.

For the past 40 days, I have completely surrendered my sense of failure.  I have never felt like I was failing for living my life.  I can't express the thankfulness I feel for allowing myself to let go and Let God take over.  And I can't express the grace I have received from the Lord countless times.  He has carried me through so many things, and I haven't been a good outlet for sharing every moment.

So as this season of Lent ends, I am committing myself to blog more frequently, to be a messenger for all the sweet things that Jesus does for me.

Mothering is hard.  And no mother should go to bed each night feel like they are a failure.  Whether it is in your parenting skills, your personal life, or your marriage.   I pray that if you are struggling with feeling like a failure that you can surrender that to Jesus.  He wants to relieve you of that and allow you to find the joy that exists in a relationship with Him.

Peace be with you!