Go

The weather here has been teetering from 50 to 80 degrees, so the babies and I ventured out to look for shorts.
My former self truly loved the therapeutic nature of shopping.  Touching fabrics really soothed any sensory issues I won't admit to having.  Four children later, shopping has become a source of antagonism.  I really want to, but I despise it, because shopping with children is simply horrific.  I am confident they make it horrific on purpose.  The whole experience would be more pleasant and FASTER if they would just cooperate and follow simple direction.  But, toddlers.

I was the most headstrong person I knew, until I met my children.  My youngest is barely three, and  hangs right there with the rest.

I was ready to leave the store and she refused.  For some reason, despite for screams and demands for the past ten minutes, she was suddenly happy right where she was.

"Em!  We are leaving now!  Come on!"
"NO!"
 "Emme!  Mommy is leaving.  If you don't come, I will come and get you and you will be in trouble."
"NOOOOOOO!"

She dug her heels in the ground and screamed at me like I was hurting her.

Moments like this are always humbling and also a big slap in the face.  This particular moment, her disobedience was an epiphany into all that I had been doing wrong my entire life.

I had been digging my heels in the ground for the past seventeen years.  I became comfortable.  I was safe.  But God told me to go.

Go!  Be a conservative at a liberal woman's college in a Bible town in Virginia. 
Go!  Marry a man you have only dated several months, who will turn your life upside down.
Go the prairie lands and meet people who will change your heart forever.
Go!  Have a baby before you are ready!
Go have a second baby, way before you figured out what to do with the first.
Go buy a house in a new town in Virginia.  And live there.  Alone.  While your mother is dying.
Go to the largest military base in the United States and learn what it really means to be married.

Each and every time, I dug my heels in the ground and resisted.  I did not want to be where I was, but the moment I was told to "Go!" I stopped.   I planted my feet in the ground and I made everything so unpleasant.  I refused to open my arms to embrace what was presented before me.      

I picked Em up and carried her from the store, her screams echoed through the empty mall.
Once again, I am faced with a moment of heel digging.  God is sending us across the ocean.

Go!

I refused to believe that God's plan and the Army's plan was one in the same.

Go!  Go to Germany!

After a week of being a complete emotional train wreck, a friend brought me a danish with a note that said "everything will be okay."  Months have passed since we first found out about our move and in my heart I know everything will be okay.  I know that my sweet friend holds the words of security and grace that only Jesus can provide.

Isaiah 46:3-4

...I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.  

Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, 

I am he who will sustain you. 

 I have made you and I will carry you; 

I will sustain you and rescue you.  

 
Everything will be fine, and through each moment I will be picked up by God and carried through, just as I carried my sweet baby.   

My heart still fights with my flesh, because we live in a fallen world.  This whole experience is teaching me to trust in the sovereignty of God more than I ever have.  But above all, I go. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you,

 for my power has been made perfect in your weakness."  

Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me.

    

  

Failure No More

My husband was recounting an event that happened about ten years ago, and I have no memory of the event whatsoever.  He is in disbelief that something so memorable and detailed to him, could be insignificant to me.  Although, it sounds crazy to him, I am in complete understanding of how such things could happen.  I remember things because of how they make me feel.  I remember details that I am certain he never would.

He asked that I keep a diary for future reference. 
And then questioned why I no longer blog.  I think the older I have become, the more  pensive I have become.  The thoughts that surround me are far too deep for him to take in, and I feel like sharing with the world would be too personal, too open and too vulnerable.  Am I able to share events and accounts that also involve him and my children who are growing up into their own being? 

Things on the internet never die. 

But I have always loved writing.  Writing soothes my soul. 

My first story was printed in the paper in third grade.  I was elated that I was published at such a young age.  I have a laminated copy of the article in my adult version of treasure box.
 
I spent my childhood adoring a wide variety of literature and taking note of how words flow, receiving different meanings and make you understand things that may not otherwise make sense.  Words should never be careless and used hastily.  Writing is loving and intimate and overwhelming.  My love for the Baby Sitter's Club grew into love for romance novels, medical mysteries and then Pulitzer Prize Winners.  I have poems and stories I wrote in high school that all held the same thing.  The words shared the painful emotions of the world.  People you meet don't want those raw and real emotions.  They want happy and giggles and encouraging words.  But to me, that was never real. 

Since becoming a mother, my free time to read books has been pushed aside.  There are always demands and screams and love that needs to be tended to.  I struggle to find time for things I love, to include reading.  I usually get through a book in about a month,  or sometimes abandon them because I get the basic jest of what the book is sharing.  But this week, things changed for me.

 I was terrified, but a book I wanted to read was a SEVEN DAY LOAN new release.  I could not renew the book. I brought the book home, with hope that I would survive the week and not abandon the pages.  Most days, I fall to bed feeling like a failure, thinking I didn't clean enough or love enough or be present enough.  Then, not completing this book would only add to the sense of failure. 

The feeling of being a failure began to sneak in other aspects of my life.  I would go to bed feeling like a failure every night.  The list was always endless.  I didn't clean the kitchen in its entirety.  I didn't prep for the next morning to make things easier.  I didn't get caught up on laundry.  I left laundry in the washer and had to wash them again.  I didn't exercise.  I snapped at my babies.  I am certain you have been there. 
I would throw myself into a heap in the bed every night wondering how I had been able to live one more day with so many shortcomings.  I beat myself up.

And one day, I decided enough was enough.

This season for Lent, I decided that I needed to give up feeling like a failure.  I would whole heartedly give my life and each day to God and stop letting Satan steal my joy.  I have clothes to wear.  My family has clean clothes, and dirty clothes, but clothes..  I have food to feed them.  I can be more patient with myself, and then extend that to my children.

For the past 40 days, I have completely surrendered my sense of failure.  I have never felt like I was failing for living my life.  I can't express the thankfulness I feel for allowing myself to let go and Let God take over.  And I can't express the grace I have received from the Lord countless times.  He has carried me through so many things, and I haven't been a good outlet for sharing every moment.

So as this season of Lent ends, I am committing myself to blog more frequently, to be a messenger for all the sweet things that Jesus does for me.

Mothering is hard.  And no mother should go to bed each night feel like they are a failure.  Whether it is in your parenting skills, your personal life, or your marriage.   I pray that if you are struggling with feeling like a failure that you can surrender that to Jesus.  He wants to relieve you of that and allow you to find the joy that exists in a relationship with Him.

Peace be with you!